Divorce -- whether you want it or not -- can be one of the most traumatic experiences you will ever encounter. Whether married three years or 30, most people are unprepared for the consequences of divorce. But now is the time to start looking to the future and taking care of yourself. You have many issues to deal with, emotional, legal and financial.
Divorce may be a big blow to your self-esteem. And because it marks the death of a marriage, divorce also evokes emotions similar to those you feel when a loved one dies: anger, guilt, sadness, depression or fear of being alone. Just as people grieve for a lost loved one, you need to grieve for the lost relationship. But if you discover that you are paralyzed by such feelings and unable to take positive actions to build a new future, you may want to seek professional help. Letting feelings of guilt or anger fester will affect not only your well-being, but also the quality of life of those around you. It is particularly important to deal with your feelings and put them behind you if you have children.
One of the first questions you will have to face after deciding on a divorce is whether you need a lawyer. If you have a good relationship with your spouse, you could consider negotiating your own settlement and representing yourself in court (known as pro se representation). For information on how to proceed, check your local bookstore, or contact your local Legal Aid Society. Find out if the court procedures are simple to follow or if you are likely to need help sorting through the forms and procedures. Consider representing yourself only if you and your spouse agree to the terms of the divorce. Even then, experts advise paying a lawyer a fixed fee for a one-time consultation to review the agreement.
Unfortunately, many divorcing couples are not on friendly terms and will need lawyers, particularly if the issues are contested or if one party lacks information about the other's financial position. Shop around for a lawyer by asking friends, family members or your local bar association for referrals. You may wish to compare the fees of at least three lawyers. Legal fees vary depending upon where you live but could run several thousand dollars or more if your situation involves a large marital estate or you become embroiled in a fierce custody battle. Lawyers cannot take divorce cases on a contingency basis, so you must pay an hourly rate or agree upon a flat fee. If you are having financial difficulty, ask about setting up a payment schedule. If you cannot reach an agreement with your lawyer or cannot afford to hire one, call your local Legal Aid Society or a law school clinic for assistance.
Once you have hired a lawyer, he or she usually will:
- Negotiate with your spouse's lawyer
- Determine your spouse's assets
- File a request to terminate your marriage
- Arrange for your spouse to receive a summons
- Request a restraining order, if necessary, to protect assets or prohibit domestic violence
Before your divorce is declared final, certain issues must be settled. You can negotiate the final settlement with your spouse, or the court will resolve any disputes between the two of you. Some of the issues to be settled include:
- Negotiating division of assets and property (savings accounts, home, cars, pensions, etc.)
- Establishing alimony payments, if any
- Determining who will have custody of the children or if you will have joint legal custody. In joint custody, both parents share in making major decisions and both also might spend substantial amounts of time with the children.
- Establishing visitation schedules for the noncostodial parent
- Establishing child support payments, with reference to state child support guidelines
- Determining educational support beyond high school, if any
- Establishing health insurance coverage for each of you and any dependents
- Determining liability for outstanding bills
- Determining who may claim tax benefits such as exemptions of children and mortgage interest deductions
Divorce mediation is becoming an increasingly well known and widely accepted alternative to conventional divorce procedures. While there are several different styles of mediation, it is always a voluntary and confidential process designed to help couples work through their disputes and disagreements. Mediation is the least adversarial way to end a marriage in that couples are guided toward working out mutually fair and reasonable agreements on issues such as:
- parenting arrangements
- child support
- alimony
- division of property
A divorce mediator is a neutral party trained to assist couples in identifying the issues, communicating, and moving forward toward a resolution. A lawyer can be present during mediation or can be used as an advisor between sessions. The goal is to reach agreements that work for both parties. The divorce mediator then drafts a memorandum of agreement for both parties to review, after which it is given to the attorneys for legal implementation. This agreement becomes the basis for an uncontested divorce.
Choosing mediation does not mean that you will not need the services of an attorney. The difference in deciding to use mediation is that you ultimately make the decisions that will affect your life. They should, however, be informed decisions made with the advice of counsel.
Benefits of Mediation The main advantage of mediation is that it keeps the couple in control of the divorce process. Other benefits include:
- Individuals maintain their self-respect
- Family relationships are protected
- A foundation for continued co-parenting is established
- Children benefit from reduced conflict
- Focus is on present and future, not the past
- Strengthens commitment to an agreement
- Avoids public disclosure of personal matters
- Controls costs, both financially and emotionally, of the divorce process
- Divorcing couples can save money (i.e. reduce tax bill) by sharing knowledge and working together within existing tax laws.
Divorce costs money. Not only will you have to pay court costs and lawyers' fees, but you and your former spouse now will be supporting two households instead of one. This usually means that one or both of you will experience a diminished standard of living, at least initially. One new factor in your financial picture may be alimony. Alimony is a court-ordered payment to an ex-spouse. In the past, husbands usually paid alimony to their wives. Today, however, wives occasionally pay alimony to their husbands. Alimony can be paid in a lump sum or in installments. The amount received in installment payments usually can be reevaluated if circumstances change for either party. You can ask that your initial agreement include a provision for cost-of-living adjustments to your alimony to counter the effects of inflation. Most alimony settlements are limited to a certain time period (for example, five years) or end upon the remarriage of the former spouse.
Unlike alimony, child support is legally required for underage children. The primary wage earner usually assumes the major financial responsibility, with the amount of child support based upon the needs of the children and the parent's ability to pay. Child support may also include providing health and dental insurance for the children. If a parent fails to pay court-ordered child support, money can be withheld from his or her wages. Tax refunds also can be intercepted to pay child support. In some states, failure to pay child support can mean jail time.
You're going to be a single person again, and that means reorganizing your financial affairs. Here's a partial checklist of things you may need to do:
- Find a place to live.
- Open a new checking account in your name.
- Establish other lines of credit in your name.
- Pay off existing bills in your name.
- Prepare a budget.
- Make sure you have health insurance. If you are currently covered by your spouse's insurance, you are entitled to continue that coverage for a certain period of time.
- Start working on your financial independence. If you don't have a job, get one. Look into retirement savings plans offered by your employer or set up an Individual Retirement Arrangement (IRA).
- Seek help from welfare or private organizations.
- Evaluate the tax ramifications of your divorce. Remember that the person receiving alimony may have to pay income taxes on that amount; child support is generally not subject to income tax.
- Change your beneficiaries and revise your will.
Divorce affects children in much the same way it affects adults, and they are likely to experience the same emotions connected with loss. Not only are your children losing the two-parent family they have known, they may also be losing their home, their school, their friends and even their standard of living.
If possible, you and your spouse should tell your children about the divorce together. Explain in neutral words, without casting blame, that the two of you need to be apart. Use words the children can understand and that are appropriate for their ages. Do not give them false hopes that you will reconcile. And because children often blame themselves for their parents' unhappiness, stress that the divorce is not their fault.
If possible, your children should remain in the same school and continue with their extracurricular activities. You should inform their counselors, teachers and coaches about the divorce so they can be alert to changes in the children's behavior. Encourage other family members to spend extra time with your children, and make sure they see both parents regularly. Children need continuity in every aspect of their lives, but especially with their parents. Children are resilient. Given time, love and emotional support, they are likely to adjust to your divorce. But keep in mind that they have fewer coping skills than adults. Often parents are so involved with their own emotions and new responsibilities that they have little time or energy to help the children adjust. You may want to consider counseling for your children, especially if you're involved in an emotionally charged divorce. You can see a counselor together as a family unit, or your children can go on their own.
Heading For the Future
During the course of a marriage, almost all aspects of your life become intertwined with your spouse's. Untangling all of those areas -- emotional, legal and financial -- isn't always easy. But if you can avoid getting caught up in recriminations and revenge, you're well on your way to healing the hurt. There is life after divorce, and you want it to be a healthy and happy one.
MetLife, its agents, and representatives may not give legal or tax advice. You should consult with and rely on your own independent legal and tax advisers regarding your particular set of facts and circumstances.
References
Divorce Without Court: A Guide to Mediation & Collaborative Divorce
by Katherine Stoner
Publisher: NOLO; 1st edition
Divorce & Money: How to Make the Best Financial Decisions During Divorce
by Violet Woodhouse and Dale Fetherling
Publisher: NOLO; 8th edition
Rebuilding: When Your Relationship Ends
by Bruce Fisher
Publisher: Impact Publishers; 3rd edition
Dinosaurs Divorce
by Marc Brown and Laurie Krasny Brown
Publisher: Little, Brown Young Readers
Consumer Information from the Federal Government
The quarterly Consumer Information Center Catalog lists more than 200 helpful federal publications. For your free copy write to Consumer Information Catalog, Pueblo, CO 81009, call 1-888-8-PUEBLO or visit www.pueblo.gsa.gov.
Helpful Links
Divorce Net
www.divorcenet.com
This site features a state-by-state resource center as well as a family law advisor home page.
Divorce Central
www.divorcecentral.com
The content on this site highlights four topic-specific areas that are important when going through a divorce: legal, emotional, parenting, and financial. There is also a resource guide that can direct you to support groups, books, a legal dictionary and other resources on- and off-line.
American Divorce Information Network
www.divorceonline.com
This website has articles and information on divorce-related topics. They also have a Professional Referral section to locate professional assistance near you.
The Federal Office of Child Support Enforcement
www.acf.hhs.gov
This site has a home page with newsletters, reports and announcements on child support guidelines.
